All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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