Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
