it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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