i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
that's an acceptable place to lick
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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