12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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