the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
