Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Randomize
