omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
