Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
