Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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