I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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