Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
