Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
