Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
