Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
