He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
