Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
