you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
