I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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