Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize