Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
