pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
