it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
