girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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