John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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