today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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