I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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