Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
bring money and cleavage
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
