Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
