I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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