you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize