Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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