I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
