you would pick up someone in the library
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize