ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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