38 yer olds are good kisserssss
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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