How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
