3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
