i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
