yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
