my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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