Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
