There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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