God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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