I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
