Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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