I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Still dying that you shit outside
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
