i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize