Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
