he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
