Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
