Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Randomize
