Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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