i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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