it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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