Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
MIDGETS
????
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
