i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
