Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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