why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
