Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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