Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
