Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
