Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
