Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
