ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
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