weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize