this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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