What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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