That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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